Well check this out, its been something like 6 months since last I made an entry and Lordy what a difference half a year makes. 

Then: 
- I was only employed with the postal service part time. 
- Jess was just shy of her first birthday. 
- Free money from unemployment had just ran dry. 
- The game hit a slow spell. 

ok now in retrospect that isn't so much. 

Now: 
- I trained for a month straight and now I am a Habilitation Specialist at the Hope School. The job is full time with plenty of OT, not that I want that but at times it is mandatory.  I am still really new to things but so far I very much enjoy my job my co-workers are great and so are the kids. 

- Jess is getting to be such a big girl she is walking (almost running) everywhere, she talks about everything and her books are her most favorite thing. She used to have a puppy but he grew so much it was safer and better for him to got to Arkansas and live with Josh's brother. She still has her kitty though and she loves her very much. I've gotten to a point where I miss Jesse more when I worked for the post office work was a block away she could come see me or I could come home for lunch no problem now I am 20 miles and 8 hrs away if I work a double sadly I don't see her while she is awake. That bothers me cause growing up it seemed like my mom was always there I don't want to become a stranger to my kiddo. 

- The game found new life when Josh divided things up and posting is now far more regular than it used to be. 

I have missed this good old page, I will try not to let another 6 months go by without an entry.

Yesterday while I was supposed to be working I was instead browsing online and I came upon an article on MSN that said that children are a bad investment but they have potential to turn out a high yield later on.....I can honestly say I have never thought of Jess as something monetary. The article went on to state that more and more researchers are finding out that parents don't fully appreciate thier children because they are too preoccupied with expenses and balancing the check book.
The piece told of a study done in Texas of about 1000 mothers they were asked to list thier top 5 activties to do during the day spending time with thier kids didn't even rank. Their top 5 was as follows:

1. Sex
2. Socilizing
3. Relaxing
4. Praying or Meditating
5. Eating

To my estimation if people have kids and don't even put them in their top 5 then it seems to me they didn't want them to begin with. That the child was just something that wasn't truly wanted and that is sad. Because though I have never experienced not being wanted I knew kids who had and it bothered them a lot all the way up into adulthood.
I have my own top 5 activities:

1. Writing (I realize this is selfish of me but it is the truth)
2. Time with Jesse alone, and with Josh watching the two of them is great and to be with the both of them is special.
3. Time with just Josh.
4. Movie, TV, Video game time
5. Extended family time

In closing I just hope that the women in Texas someday realize that their children need to be seen as something other than a finacial burden.

Well it has now been about two weeks since I reached my third decade and I have had time to evaluate what that means to me. Really nothing has changed other than instead of being a twenty something I am a thirty something....for some reason the new word just isn't as pleasing as my former word. I think I know why nothing happens when you are thirty there is no milestone only that you are that much closer to fourty.

When you are a kid the goal is double digits, when you are a teen the magic number is 16 or 18 for me it was more 18 cause I didn't care to drive I wanted to smoke but being the eternal slacker that I am I didn't get a license till I was 20 so I didn't smoke till then. Ok so then that takes me to twenty that year doesn't mean much its 21 that matters that is when one can drink all legal like that is the year a person gains full independence unless one wants to rent a car then you have to be 25 so here you are full of different little milestones its a little fun to reach each one but then you exit your twenties and enter thirty and there is nothing.

Go to thirty one...two, three ect....its boring. Birthdays cease to have meaning all they do now is mark off another year that has passed.
Along with this new decade I am ringing in I also get to participate in Mothers day, thats another day Im not so sure about. It is clearly a Hallmark holiday this year doesn't even count Jess will only be one she has no idea what the day even means for her it may as well be any old day, and once she is old enough to understand I don't know that I want her to honor it seems to me if I get a birthday and a day cause I had her she should have a day all to herself as well something like Child's day I dunno it makes sense to me cause I didnt' do anything to deserve this day.

Now that I think about it I don't think I have fully processed what it means to be my age now so I will have to think on it somemore I have nine more years to figure it out lol, and I will probably have an answer for myself right when I turn 40 and all this will begin again.

On a bright note Jess will be celebrating her 1st birthday in 19 days and though it will mean nothing to her she will most likely get more toys than she knows what to do with and more clothes than she will be able to wear before she outgrows them but thats ok, she and he cousin will greatly enjoy her birthday cake I am quite sure the two of them will both dive in.

This is something I meant to write Febuary 28th but at that time the flu was kicking my ass pretty damn hard lol, so alas better late than never. 

Mary Kathleen Collier July 22, 1915 - Febuary 28th 1996

Dear Aunt Kay, 

Oh it has been ages since I talked to you 10 years really....10 years and a day cause I talked to you just the day before you went away. I miss so much about you things I took for granted.....

your silly sense of humor, the way you drew a bird I do that for your great great Nephew he loves it don't worry that rendition of the bird will be passed along to my daughter as well. 
Oh you don't know about her she is fast approaching one and people say she looks like me she would probably drive you as crazy as I did already she has a challenging demeanor about her I see many fruitless arguments about the color of the sky in the years to come.  
Her and Jr. love books if you could still be here I know they would adore hearing stories read by you, you always did the voices they weren't right most of the time but you tried and I loved you for that I'll do my best as long as they are the only audience I think I can do a decent job. 
I remember your attitude about life you went through doing as you pleased, didn't give two cents on what others thought I'm not so much like that for the most part I do my own thing but I am self conscious maybe with age that will change some. 

Remember all the times you said you would dance at my wedding? Well I got married and sadly you weren't there I thought about you though I even imagined you and Mom sitting in the balcony no one danced though Josh and I thought about it then realized we don't know how to dance but I know if you had been there regardless if we had danced or not you would have taken your turn doing your thing. 

You effected my life more than I think you ever realized and Jesse will know all about you, It makes me sad that all she will know it pictures and stories but its better than nothing at all. In that sense you will never be too far away from me just a story away. 

I know what would cause us a great argument one that would be greatly enjoyed I married into Rep! I know dear god the girls gone nuts LOL you would say I was taught better than that but then you would have to start laughing cause you never could get your own sister to sway from her party even after years of name calling....thing is Auntie told me just two years ago she was Dem she just liked to argue with you :) 

I never told you goodbye all those years ago sure I helped to scatter your ashes but it has never been very real to me, because even though I don't see you you aren't gone your memory is so very alive so even now as I close this out ther is still no goodbye....

Love you always, 

Jaqueline Kay......

Well the day has finally arrived I am going back to California, this time with two people who have never been there...well one was there but she was just oh so tiny, I didn't even know she was there LOL. I am excited I get to play tour guide to my BIL and show my kiddo off to a what I affectionatly call the collective. Once my Uncle O see's Jess he will report back to the rest of the family on her.

We are flying with Jess for the first time and though we think we are prepared to do this most likely we have forgetten something cause I am notorious for that LOL. This will be the longest stretch Jess's grandparents will be away from her they have her right now and I am told they will miss her so much, I know she will miss them and her wild little cousin as I think about it right now their names are fitting she is Jesse he is James they do like to partner up, I hope that lasts I hope they stay close.

Lets see while I am out in Cali I will have a birthday this year I am turning a big one 30....I dunno how I feel about it I have been complaining but its not the age that bothers me so much it just feels like at 30 I maybe should have more done than I have at this point my life is a lot different than it was when I was 20..oh funny thought on my 20th birthday my sis and went to Hollywood to just mess around cause and come this year I will be in Hollywood messing around on my birthday again....and now we shall resume to previous thought I have moved 2000 miles away, I have experienced loss on a devastating level and I am still here I have learned much about my will and I am fairly impressed with myself I had no idea I had strength in me I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter...so indeed much has changed but I don't know if I have changed that much I am still immature, I am still looking for something I like to do career-wise, hell I still pout over stupid things. So now coming up on 30 I wonder what the next 10 years has in store for me.

Oh I should wrap this up still things need to be done before we embark on our adventure, oh yeah we are going to Disneyland so my baby will get her first pair of mouse ears...which she will probably chew on :)

Oh happiness, oh joy....oh wonderful day!

Oh that is too much excietment I know but here is the deal, today I went to the KROQ site that is a radio station I used to listen to religiously back in Cali it helped me find some of the best music ever well today as I was visiting I noticed they had a streaming option.

Now here I am in Illionis and I can hear the morning show! The show is so funny at least it used to be I haven't heard it in the last 3 years I hope it can still hold up. I get to hear my old familar DJ's and for some reason that is just so cool me. So that is why I am very happy.

Watched he Grammy's last night and it was all pretty entertaining. I liked the openeing course I like the Gorillaz I was wondering what thier preformance would look like. I was satisfied with all the winners.

As my trip to California gets closer and closer I am getting a bit more excited, I guess I do miss the place every now and then. I can't wait to go to Disneyland and show my brother-in-law all the sites. It will be my daughters first trip to the southland she isn't even a year yet so she won't remember but she will get to see the beach much like her cousin did when he was her age hopefully she won't be like him and try and take a bite out of the sand.
Its sort of funny where I live now there really isn't any traffic to speak of and coming from California one would think that would be a dream come true but I find I miss the freeways and that is just insane cause once I get out there and really get into a jam where the freeways are six lane parking lots I will probably be cussin' away lol.

Well damn I called the game for the Seahawks and the cheater Stealers took it!....I used to hate the Rams cause they were cheaters and now the Stealers have joined thier ranks.  Oh it was awful the game was so blantanly one sided. The refs constantly cited Seattle and yes they did deserve most of the calls but the refs also conviently looked over any wrong doing the Stealers did....oh thats what I get for paying attention to the game.

Oh well so much for that the commercials oh they were not so good this year I have more fun watching Gieco bits I do love the Gecko (..its like chips wif pie...who wouldn't want that) LOL so much love I have for that one:) This year there was just an abundence of Bud ads. Oh I do like the career builder ads the monkey's are just funny who doesn't like monkeys?

And this brings me to Curious George, now granted the art is absolutly nothing like it is in the books but the lil' guy is so adorble with with his big expressive eyes. I know now that we are taking Jr. and Jess to that my nephew is two and will throughly enjoy George I doubt Jesse will really care but its a kids mantinee so hey why not take her? lol.  As for her mom well I am anxious to see Ultravoilet. I like Milla and the premise of the movie seems pretty cool and if it does happen to be substanceless at least it has a very sleek look to it. 

I suppose I have reached the end of this entry, I have run out of things to write :)

 

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl, don't ask me what number cause I just dont know Im doing pretty well to recall the teams that are playing. The Seahawks vs. The Steelers...Im gonna saw the game will go to the Seahawks its just a feeling I have.  I don't really pay attention to football all season I just watch the Super Bowl and why do I do this? Oh thats easy to answer I love the commercials :). The halftime show I sometimes enjoy it this year Im not sure who is doing it though.

Super Bowls are sort of a tradition Mel and I started when we lived in Cali we got a puppy on Superbowl weekend so usually when it rolled around each year it was Velvets birthday. We would have a little party and root for our teams back then we didn't know ball either we just picked opposites and hoped ours would win. One year we even got Velvet a T-Shirt for the 49'ers she hated it but we loved to put it on her.

So here we all are in Illinois and our tradition continues none of us know much about the teams we pick opposites, root for them, watch the commercials hope for a good movie trailer this year could be an X trailer very cool, and our tradition here we eat chilli for the game my mother in law makes it and its great stuff. We have all gotten together for the last three years and that is our tradition here.

On a sad note Al Lewis died he played Grandpa on the Munsters he always entertained me so, the whole show was pretty entertaining.

Oh and the return of XME is a good thing so far its got a few posts under its belt now, true true it runs at a slower pace than it used to back in the day but the writing is right on par! JOY

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever foresee me writing about this topic, the very mention of country generally makes me cringe. Here is my situation though and how I have come to be able to write about the particular genre....

Josh has always liked the music I knew this when I met him and despite my negative views of it and my constant put downs he still remains a listener. When I stared my new job at the post office my boss is an avid country listener and insists upon listening to it the carrier is also a fan and while they are there I have little choice but to listen as well. I have been working there for some three months now and it has gotten to the point where I can tolerate the sound and (cant believe I am admitting this) have found a few songs that I actually like hearing.

Now lets not get me wrong just cause I like a few it doesn't  mean I am ready to don a hat and boots LOL, that day will never happen. Country music is pretty basic to me its either about man leaving woman, woman leaving man, tractors, or drinking.  I have never tried to break down the type of music I like to listen to into catagories but there was one time my mom comented that the stuff I listened to was dark and sad though she said it sounded good.

I listen to mostly alternative on a daily basis and though there are some sad songs I find most to be just really good little stories. Country music now that I have had a good dose of it..its sort of depressing there is a finality to it. In the example I used about woman leaving man the man usually never gets over it in the songs they hold out and dwell on everything they had and can never have again. Maybe the artists experience love on a level I have never experienced. I would hate to have anything happen between my husband and me but if it ever did I want to have enough confindence in myself that I could pick myself up and go on living. Sure things wouldn't be the same but truthfully nothing ever stays the same.

Now Im going to have an out of mind experience and reveal a couple of good songs from this music designated as country...Whiskey Lullaby thats a sad one a good one to listen to when writting sad things, Alcohol now that song is comical really and dangerous hear it more than once and it gets stuck in your head Josh's swears up and down that Jess likes it but I have never seen her enjoy the song lol.  My final selection is one of those Dixie Chicks songs this one I heard many moons ago when I first visited my husbands town Sin Wagon  another fun sort of song.....and now I am entering my mind again so there will be no more talk of this silly country!

On a alternative note I just aquired a CD from the artist known as Jem she is a refreshing sound, something new to my ears. I thouroghly enjoy the entire CD Finally Woken my favorite track though is "24".  Yes today is a good day for the musica!

 

I don't think I am still a newleywed we have been married for 2 yrs now and before that we lived together for a year that was after building a relationship for 3 yrs prior to that. So it goes to good reason that my husband and I have substantial history but there are times when being married seems like a sort of dream. A good dream of course but somehow a little unreal, some of that feeling could be because I am so far away from where I spent my whole life growing up. There are days I look around and am still amazed at the scenery. I'm from California some would say that is a place one should never leave I have never regreted my decision my life was over there it was time to move on, start a new life I love it out here in the mid west the seasons change and there is snow oh how I love snow!....but I digrees another reason being married feels like a dream is because of the man I am married to.

He is younger than me, he was just 20 when I first met him, at 22 he proposed to me and at 23 I moved in with him my sister and her husband soon followed so in a few short years his life expanded to include me, and three others of my family and he accepted it all so easily. At 24 he married me and at 25 he welcomed his first child....I am amazed by him because he is so grown up for being so young.                                                                                   I think of myself at those various ages I was so immature even now at the advanced old age of nearly 30 I am still immature. I wasn't ready to be serious at 20, at 22 the thought of marriage was not even in my range of thought when I was 25 I was just getting the hang of being in a relationship thought of children not in the horizon.  So to me it is obvious why it all feels like a dream.

On having a child well that does feel unreal at times, I sometimes watch my daughter playing with her Uncle or with her father and its the most strange feeling I really sometimes can't believe I have a child. For as long as I can remember having kids was never something I hoped to do, my freinds around me started thier families way back when I was just getting to know my husband. Even my sister started her family and she's 7yrs my minor.              Jess just happened, at the time I really wondered if I was ready to be a parent even today that question is on my mind but seeing as she's here and 9 mos old its not so much am I ready anymore as it is will I be good at being a parent..Jess is a remarkable baby but I think everyone feels that about thier kid LOL. She has a smile that can melt your heart and she uses it liberally I can see traces of J and I in her personality, she is a stubborn little thing much like her father, a photogenic ham like myself when I was her age she knows she is the center of our family and she is pleased with that. There is abvious physical resemblence between her and I and yet still I look at her and I can't believe I am married and have a baby.

Its not that I am in denial, my incomprehensibility isn't because this isn't the life I want I love where I am right now I am happy. Its just that somedays life is like a very nice dream.